Assor­ted dreams

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If I remem­ber my dreams I try to write them down in a note­book, to use for later inspir­a­tion. The one I’ve been using suddenly fell apart yester­day. I tried to stick the pages back in, but the spine was completely disin­teg­rated. I think I’ll just start a new one and copy the old entries over.

I regu­larly have dreams where I’m an invest­ig­at­or infilt­rat­ing a cult or secret organ­isa­tion, and I explore a huge elab­or­ate build­ing trying not to be spot­ted, and piece togeth­er the clues. Some­times it’s a salt mine with glow­ing walls. I don’t know what that says about my psyche. Here however are some one-offs from the note­book.

Coron­a­tion Street Paranor­mal Specials

Appar­ently Coron­a­tion Street has always had “Paranor­mal Invest­ig­at­or” special epis­odes, I’d just some­how never seen one.

Also because I haven’t seen the show in years, my brain only included char­ac­ters from 10+ years ago. Les and (child) Ches­ney hunt ghosts with the help of Schmi­chael the dog, who can smell ghosts appar­ently. Fizz was plagued by victori­an chil­dren in night­gowns, and there were weird poltergeist happen­ings at the Kabin. Norris was not happy.

All the scripts were writ­ten by Helen Cress­well.

I’m sad that this doesn’t actu­ally exist.

Buffet deal

My mate’s band Black Shape who I put on a few times now bring an all you can eat buffet to all their gigs for the audi­ence that’s half fried break­fast, half roast dinner. Lots of people eating paper plates of roast dinner while watch­ing them.

Ugly carpet

I had magic powers, and could order objects around by point­ing at them. I ordered the loud Weth­er­spoons-style carpet under my feet to become less ugly.

Art assess­ment

I am submit­ting artwork for assess­ment at art school. You have to upload it on a computer. It turns out that it is now judged by an algorithm rather than a human teach­er and the algorithm doesn’t like what I have done and I’ll be expelled and banned from doing anything creat­ive in future because I won’t be licensed.

There is no possib­il­ity of complaint- appar­ently the college spent a lot of money on the algorithm and it’s more “object­ive” than any human.

Someone in some star­tup some­where is prob­ably work­ing on this one as we speak.

Vegan covers band

Vegan Covers Bands were a Thing. Chan­ging all the lyrics to be about tofu. Reign in Kale etc. With a small subset of devotees who now refused listen to any song with words like milk in the lyrics. Thanks subcon­scious, you’re the worst.

Laser shop­ping

I was trying to buy a laser in the super­mar­ket, but they didn’t have any in stock, only aisles and aisles of play doh. I had to attempt to make it out of play doh instead.

Kitten starter set

Argos were offer­ing a “kitten starter set”, but it turned out they just sent you a preg­nant cat, and told disgruntled custom­ers that the name was tech­nic­ally accur­ate. There was some concern about where they were getting the preg­nant cats from.

Sleater-Kinney’s new album

Sleat­er Kinney did an even worse album without Janet, of Weez­er covers and people hated it. For merch they did plain blue sweat­shirts with no picture on for about £60. Just a specif­ic shade of plain blue.

I found one of the sweat­shirts on a train to Hudder­sfield. I’d acci­dent­ally left my suit­case on the plat­form (recur­ring dream) but didn’t find my new sweat­shirt much of a compens­a­tion. I think it was actu­ally from a PE kit too and just looked identic­al to the over­priced SK one.

Paul Daniels Tattoo

I have this regu­lar dream where I get a huge tattoo of some­thing really embar­rass­ing. In the dream, I’m always really pleased while it’s being done, and then real­ise after­wards I’ve made a terrible mistake and it’s there perman­ently. This time it was a big portrait of Paul Daniels on my arm.

Bastard Brit­pop

I was asked to help write press stuff for a musi­cian. His stage name was “Bastard”. His genre was “Brit­pop Reviv­al” which was appar­ently now the thing. He looked like Super Hans with black hair, and had a gimmick where he wore long fake nails with leopard print and fanned them against his face and pouted in videos.

The prob­lem was his songs. They were shit. They soun­ded like Blur songs with anything catchy or fun taken out. He was popu­lar on YouTube for the leopard nails and pout­ing, but wasn’t selling anything.

Both he and his manager got very upset and threw a tantrum when I sugges­ted things could be improved with better songs.

Cat food treat

Discon­cert­ing dream: cat food sachets were divided into two tear off sections.
One for the cat, one so the owner could “try a bit”

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